Veronika decides to die - Opening
I’ve been thinking about these words all week.
Sometimes I’d like my life to be different, “normal”. Of course, from the outside, it looks normal. Or better : average. Going to work, going to the restaurant with friends, buying stuff. But on the inside, all of this is so not normal. People of my age, around me, I see them, I see how their lives are slightly different, but different enough to be more normal than mine. I spent hours writing, watching, and doing things they wouldn’t spend so much time doing. It’s time they use to go out more often and meet people and have dates… or at least, have fun. Another kind of fun as me.
And most of the time I’m both satisfied to live in my world and so jealous of theirs.
But every once in a while, I think that none of these lives are really appealing. The way I see it, I’m bound to grow old all alone ; I don’t feel lonely anymore, so it’s not that bad, but still, it’s kinda scary to know that if I don’t change something, I’ll end up living my life completely on my own. And yet, I see these lives I usually envy so much, and really, they sound exactly like this monologue at the beginning of Veronika decides to die. How many people around you aren’t living like that ? It feels like there are only two alternatives : being alone in my world, or living a lie so that I wouldn’t be alone.
I mean, look at Revolutionary Road : do people really have a way out of this life ?
Do you know people who are really happy and love everything about their life and find them fulfilling ? I don’t really want to become one of these people. It would just feel normal. But it wouldn’t make me happy. But then again, I am happy now ? Really ? I’m barely fine, let alone happy.
I started this tumblr as some sort of “happiness project”. But I don’t know, during the past few weeks, I’ve been trying so hard to understand what happiness is to me. And these words at the beginning of the movie, they kind of make it sound like happiness is just about how well you lie to yourself…:
I’ve been thinking about these words all week.
Sometimes I’d like my life to be different, “normal”. Of course, from the outside, it looks normal. Or better : average. Going to work, going to the restaurant with friends, buying stuff. But on the inside, all of this is so not normal. People of my age, around me, I see them, I see how their lives are slightly different, but different enough to be more normal than mine. I spent hours writing, watching, and doing things they wouldn’t spend so much time doing. It’s time they use to go out more often and meet people and have dates… or at least, have fun. Another kind of fun as me.
And most of the time I’m both satisfied to live in my world and so jealous of theirs.
But every once in a while, I think that none of these lives are really appealing. The way I see it, I’m bound to grow old all alone ; I don’t feel lonely anymore, so it’s not that bad, but still, it’s kinda scary to know that if I don’t change something, I’ll end up living my life completely on my own. And yet, I see these lives I usually envy so much, and really, they sound exactly like this monologue at the beginning of Veronika decides to die. How many people around you aren’t living like that ? It feels like there are only two alternatives : being alone in my world, or living a lie so that I wouldn’t be alone.
I mean, look at Revolutionary Road : do people really have a way out of this life ?
Do you know people who are really happy and love everything about their life and find them fulfilling ? I don’t really want to become one of these people. It would just feel normal. But it wouldn’t make me happy. But then again, I am happy now ? Really ? I’m barely fine, let alone happy.
I started this tumblr as some sort of “happiness project”. But I don’t know, during the past few weeks, I’ve been trying so hard to understand what happiness is to me. And these words at the beginning of the movie, they kind of make it sound like happiness is just about how well you lie to yourself…:
| “ | Let’s see… after you decide that I’m depressed, or whatever, you’ll put me on meds, right ? And I know, hundreds of people who swallow them, they’re all doing just fine, really. I’ll go back to work on my new antidepressants, have dinner with my parents, persuade them that I’m back to being normal, and that it never gives them in any trouble. Then one day, some guy will ask me to marry him. He’ll be nice enough, and that’ll make my parents very happy. The first year we’ll make love all the time. Then the second and third less and less. But, just as we’re getting sick of each other, I’ll get pregnant. Taking care of kids, working on the jobs, paying mortgages… it will all keep us on even keel for a while. And about ten years into it, he’ll have an affair because I’m too busy and I’m too tired. And I’ll find out. I’ll threaten to kill him… his mistress… myself. We’ll get past it. In a few years, he’s gonna have another one. And this time I’m just going to pretend I don’t know because… somehow kicking up a fuss doesn’t seem worth the trouble this time. And I’ll live out the rest of my days… sometimes wishing my kids could have the life I never had. Other times, secretly pleased they are turning into repeats of me. I’m fine, really. |
